The UNKNOWN

For me, the hardest part of this infertility journey is the "unknown". Questions like these often plague my thoughts...

- How long will this go on?
- Will we ever get to have a child of our own?
- Will I ever get to experience what it is like to have a child growing inside of me?
- Will I ever get to look at the face of a child and see Johnathan's eyes or my nose?
- Will I ever get to pray and read books with my child at night before rocking him or her to sleep?
- Will I ever get to pass down those holiday family traditions that I loved as a child?

When there is nothing you want more than to be a mommy, these thoughts seem to slip in whether you want them there or not. Although these questions still go unanswered and we have no idea what the answers will be or when they will come, GOD DOES. In Jeremiah 29:11, He tells us, "For I KNOW the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." I find so much rest in knowing that although my life seems uncertain and unpredictable, God has a plan and His ways are perfect. They may not seem to make much sense to us at the time, but I have no doubt that I will be able to look back on my life several years from now and see that God knew exactly what He was doing.
One of our incredibly godly friends said to us recently that maybe God is withholding our child until a certain time because he has a specific purpose that only he or she can fulfill. For example, maybe our child has to be born a certain year so that God can place our child in a dorm room at college next door to another kid that needs Jesus. Even Acts 17:26 tells us that "He determined the times and the exact places where they should live." How awesome is that!? We are all put here for a specific time, in a specific place, for a specific reason. I don't know why Baby Akin hasn't come into the world yet, but one thing I know for sure is that God will place them into our care at just the right time...for reasons that we may not know of or understand until we are on the other side of heaven.
When the "unknown" starts to weigh me down or frighten me, I find comfort in the fact that the Almighty has got this whole thing under control. When I start to freak out because I am getting older by the day and haven't had my first child yet, God reminds me that Sarah gave birth to Isaac when she was 90. When I start to feel like it's never going to happen, God reminds me of Hannah who bore Samuel after years of praying and crying out to Him.
"As for God, his way is perfect." -II Sam. 22:31